Jon had gotten quiet again. Beka recalled her thought the previous night that they hadn’t gotten depressed at the same time. She didn't think that pattern would last another night. She was minutes away from throwing herself to the ground in despair and crying like a baby.

     Grace, I am so hungry. She wished, for the nth time, that she knew if any of the copious plants around them were edible. She didn't recognize anything that looked like food. She was beginning to think sleep, even if it were on the ground, would be a respite from the hunger and the pain.

     Jon had slowed the pace considerably. He had to be exhausted from clearing their path for three days. And hungry and hurting and frustrated. What is the point of continuing to push ourselves? She noticed the stream had formed another pool of deeper water. It would be nice to get in the water before it gets too cold.

     "I think we should stop here," she said.

     "There's still daylight. We need to keep going," he answered without slowing.

     Beka stopped moving, and used the walking stick to stand straighter. "I want to stop here."

     Jon turned and scowled at her. His frustration made him seem more like a bear to Beka than usual, and this bear was not so cuddly. She raised her chin and stared.

     His hands clenched and the muscles in his jaw flexed. He doesn't like being confronted, and that's just too bad. I've had enough.

     He walked closer and frowned down at her. She tightened her grip on the staff.

     "I wasn't paying attention. Are you hurting bad?" he asked.

     His empathy fractured the wall of her defiance. "I... I just don't think I can go anymore. Not now. Please."

     "I can carry you a while."

     She shook her head. "You're hurting, too. I can see it. Let's just get some rest. Maybe I won't feel like such a bitch in the morning."

     "That sounds awfully close to an apology. We had a deal," he said, leaning closer to her.

     She looked up to protest, but saw teasing in his tired eyes. Thoughts danced through her mind of kissing his fascinating mouth, of surrendering to his solid-soft embrace. Her hands itched to touch him.

     He took a step back. "Let's get some water, then find a good place to rest.”

     Disappointment shook her as he moved away. Then she felt relieved he had moved before she had succumbed to her fantasy. Did he guess what I was thinking?

     She limped to the stream, leaned her walking stick against a jumble of boulders, and sat down on one of the large, sun-warmed rocks. The stream had gotten wider and deeper. She stared into the water gently swirling around a semicircle of boulders.

     "Jon, I want to take a bath."

     He scowled down at her, again, and she clenched her teeth behind her tight lips. He moved closer and looked into the water. 

     "It looks safe enough. Do you need help getting in and out?"

     "You don't think... it's a stupid idea?"

     His expression softened, and he knelt on one knee so he could look straight into her eyes. He took her hands and held them against his chest. "Angel, I trust you to make your own decisions. I don't think it's stupid. I certainly don't think you're stupid, if that's what you're worried about. Anything we can do to make our predicament more bearable is a good idea."

     She'd never had anyone in her life who cared so much about her feelings, who looked at her and could really see her, and who completely respected what he saw there. Though his body was not athletic by most typical standards, he was a powerfully built man. She'd been constantly surprised by his stamina and strength over the past three days. He could so easily overpower her, and yet he'd relinquished control to her repeatedly. No, that's not it. He has taken the lead from the beginning, as if it's natural for him. But his method of taking control is to constantly respect my feelings and opinions.  As if his size and strength makes it unnecessary for him to prove himself, allowing him to focus on my needs. She couldn't stop herself from leaning forward to kiss him.

     He released her hands so he could pull her body against his. He tilted his head so he could deepen the kiss. I love his mouth.

     As he began to pull away, she moaned in frustration and tightened her hands in his hair. But she saw the turbulence in his eyes, and saw what it was costing him to move away. She dropped her hands to his shoulders and sighed. "I think it's best I do this by myself, don't you?"

     He turned his head and stared into the water, as if he were imagining the two of them together there. Then he nodded, his lips pinched in a tight line. He stood and walked back to the trees.

     She wiggled her feet out of the boots. She took off her leggings and tunic, shook them out, and tossed them onto a leafy bush. She left her panties on; it would be easier than trying to put them back on afterward.

     Behind her back, she heard Jon's voice, sounding far away, "But you call me if you need help!"

     She smiled. "I will!" she yelled.

     Carefully, she stepped into the water. She felt the cold seeping into the bandages around her feet, but not nearly as cold as it would get during the night. She knelt on the sandy bottom and sighed. Even if it weren't what anyone would call relaxing, the cool water eased the sharp pains in her feet, and the thought of getting clean raised her spirits immensely. As she splashed water against her body, she pretended she could feel the mist of her penthouse shower and cleanser foam. Before long, she felt the first chillbumps.

     She got back to her feet, slowly and cautiously. When she felt steady enough, she stepped up to the bank, using the stacked rocks to keep her balance. By the time she had her tunic and leggings back on, the sky was graying, and she was shivering and exhausted. But it was so worth it.

     "Jon? I'm done. Where are you?"

     "I'm here. I think I've found a good place for us to sleep. A small cave."

     "What? A real roof over our heads?"

     He was smiling when he pushed through some brush toward her. "Yep. Don't ever say I don't know the right way to treat a date."

     She laughed.

     "Feel better?" he asked, as he walked to the boulder where she sat.

     "Much. Thanks."

     "Good." He sat on the ground and lifted her right foot. She didn't know how the bottom of her feet looked, and she really didn't want to think about it. As Jon removed the wet bandages, the smile left his face. Her wounds had not improved.

     His jaw set, he began wrapping her foot with fresh strips of cloth. She was still uncomfortable with depending on him to care for her feet, but what choice did she have? He never seemed to mind.

     When he was done, he slipped his boots back onto her feet and gave her thigh a quick pat. "You're set."

     "Thank you. Again. Do I get to see this cave now?"

     "Sure." He rose, retrieved the staff leaning against the rocks, and handed it to her. He helped her up and kept her hand in his as he led her back up the gentle slope.

     "Do you think some big Earth animal will visit us during the night and wonder why these strange creatures are in her home?"

     "There are some old bones in there, small ones. But they've been there a long time. I don't think any animals are using it as a lair."

     When she saw the dark opening in the low hill, she frowned. "Are we going to fit in there?"

     "If not, we can lie next to it. I'm hoping it'll be warmer out of the wind. Are you claustrophobic?"

     "No, not really. I guess I'm concerned about getting trapped in there, if any large animals come."

     "That's a good point. We don't have to sleep in there."

     She used the walking stick to push aside some hanging ferns and peered inside the cave. It looked bigger than it seemed from the outside, though not by much. But she was so tired of being cold while she tried to sleep. 

     "Let's try it. As you said, we can always come back out if it makes things worse."

     "Give me your undershirt thingy."

     "What?" she laughed. "You mean my chemise?"

     "Sorry, I don't know much about women's underwear."

     She took the torn chemise from her tunic pocket and handed it to him. "My thingy."

     He knelt on the ground and crawled inside the cave. He reached out to her and said, "All right."

     Memories flashed of that first day, when he had pulled her under that huge tree. She had been terrified, and that Guardian walking on top of it had been a nightmare. She remembered how Jon had kept her safe despite his own fear of getting caught, had kept her out of the worst of the mud, not knowing a thing about her. Longing to feel his arms around her surged through her. She dropped to the ground and took his hand. He helped her slide into the small cave, and she felt the strength of his embrace envelop her.

     She turned to face him and kissed his cheek, then nibbled on his bottom lip. I love his mouth. His passion rose to hers, and he kissed her, plundering her mouth with his tongue. His hands stroked her arms, her face, her back, pulling her closer against his body. He gripped her hair to expose her neck to his hot kisses. How does he know how wonderful that feels?

     He pulled away, breathing hard, and stared into her eyes. "I'm going to sleep outside. I won't be far."

     "Oh. Oh, all right. Are you feeling too cramped in here?"

     He continued to stare at her, tormented by some unspoken thoughts. Finally, he said, "I've done a pitiful job hiding how my body responds to being so close to you. You must know how much I want to make love to you. I’m sorry. It’ll just be easier to sleep outside."

     Her breath felt trapped in her lungs, her thoughts flew into chaos. She couldn't understand how he could want her. But she believed he did. The heat simmering throughout her body forced her to admit she wanted him, too. She wanted to be closer to him, engulfed by him, safe in the heat of his body against hers. She certainly did not want him to sleep outside the cave while she slept inside.

     "I want it, too," she whispered. She pulled his face back to hers and kissed him feverishly. His body moved until he was lying above her, his elbows on the ground to hold his weight off her chest, his hands claiming her face and neck. He feels so good. I need more of him. I have to have more of him.

     She wrapped her arms around his back and one calf behind his thighs, and pulled his weight onto her. His arms moved down her sides, gently stroking her, inflaming her senses. She moaned as his mouth left hers, then again as he nuzzled the bare skin of her shoulder. His hand moved to her breast, holding it, kneading it through the fabric. She wanted desperately for the tunic to disappear, to feel his lips explore her sensitive skin. "Oh, please. Please," were the only words she could say through the fog of her need.

     He moved one hand to the bottom edge of her tunic and tugged. His mouth moved quickly to hers again, as if he couldn't get enough of the taste of her kiss. She could feel a growl deep in his throat, and felt a surge of joy that he wanted her so badly.

     His hand stopped its pull on her clothes. His face moved away from hers and rested against her breasts. He lay still, his labored breaths the only movement she could feel. Confused, she rested her hands against his back, afraid to move until she understood what was happening.

     He moved slightly off her and looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't."

     She struggled to understand his words through her keen disappointment and blazing need. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, mortified she had let her defenses down so easily. What was I thinking? She raised a hand to cover her face.

     "Beka, please, look at me. Look at me. I want you more than I want my next breath. But not like this, not here. You're special to me, and you deserve better. Our first time should be in a warm bed, with candles and flowers. Maybe even a nice dinner first. When we're away from here, safe, you might not... feel the same… about me. I don't want you to have regrets about being with me. I'm sorry, my sweet, sweet angel, I just can't. I should have never let it get this far. I'm so sorry."

     She stared into his eyes. Despite the darkening shadows, she could see his frustration and his hope for forgiveness. She saw the desire for her still burning there. He was as defenseless as she.

     She sighed, "All right."

     He laid his head back down, his cheek resting on her breasts, her tunic the only thing separating her body from his. His hands held her tightly against him. "I've never felt so perfectly at home with anyone in my life, Beka. Do you think that's crazy?"

     "It might be crazy, but I feel it, too. Like my life has been leading me to you all along. Like you complete everything I am lacking. I guess we'll have plenty of time later. Time enough to find a bed, at least."

     He looked at her and smiled. "Just knowing you feel the same way... that's enough. Enough for now." With a growl of frustration, he cursed, "Dammit!"

     She chuckled. I am safe with this man, in every way. He wanted more from her, clearly. She knew people said words of love sometimes when they meant something else. She knew the unnatural proximity she and Jon were sharing might create a false sense of intimacy. But he said he felt at home with her, and she allowed that thought to warm her heart. She certainly had become linked with him, his humor and his strength and his immense kindness, in a way she felt with no other. Yes, it's enough for tonight.

     He pulled the jacket across them and studied her face, waiting for her to say something. She raised her head and kissed his mouth, her tongue teasing his lips. When she felt the heat explode in her again, she pulled away and said, "Dammit!"

     They laughed together and drifted to sleep in each other's arms.

​

​

​

 

                                                                  *****

 

     When Beka woke, the darkness was swirling around her like a living thing. "Jon?"

     He stirred beside her, fighting his way out of his stupor.

     "Jon," she tried again.

     He mumbled, "You need help to get out?"

     "Jon... I don't feel so good."

     His eyes widened. "What's wrong?"

     "I don't know, I just... don't feel right."

     His hand stroked her face, and she heard him gasp. "You have a fever. Oh, maker, this can't be happening."

     His alarm made her more afraid, and she began to cry. She hurt everywhere.

     "Okay, okay," he said, sitting up as much as he could in the low cave. "I guess... I guess your wounds have gotten infected. And I have no idea what to do about that. We have to find some medical help, as quickly as we can. I don't kuffin understand why we haven't found a single person yet!"

     With obvious effort and a deep breath, he calmed himself. "I'll have to carry you, now. There's no choice."

     Tears ran slowly down her cheeks. She was chilled to her core, though she could feel the sweat at the back of her neck. Jon could barely walk, and now he wanted to carry her. For the first time, she realized she really might die in that forest.

     "Maybe you could leave me here, just go ahead and bring help back."

     "I can't... Beka, don't ask me to do that. I won't."

     Through her feverish haze, she heard something in his voice she hadn't heard before, in all they'd been through. He was truly scared, also. Scared for her. She had become important to him, and his fear for her was finally pushing him to his limits. And she was making things worse.

     He would take care of her. She believed that with all her heart and mind.

     All I have to do is let him.

     "All right," she said. "If you think you still have the strength to carry me, that's what we'll do."

     Her acquiescence seemed to bring back his confidence. He took a deep breath, and said, "I'm sorry, angel. I know you don't like it. I won't drop you, I promise."

     She shook her head, moved again by his empathy. "I know that. I trust you. I just have trouble... letting go of the helm, you know? I'm usually the one in charge. I like being in charge. I'll get over it. It's the best idea."

     "I won't do anything you don't want. The only other thing I can think of to help would be to try to bring your fever down. A few minutes in the water might make you less miserable."

     She dreaded the thought of getting the icy water on her, but she was willing to try anything to ease the aches wracking her body. "Yes, let's do that."

     He maneuvered out of the cave, then pulled her gently out into the frigid night. He helped her stand, then seeing she was unsteady, he put one arm behind her knees and lifted her to his chest. She held her breath until he took a few steps, and she was assured he had no trouble bearing her weight. He walked down the small slope and brought her to the same scatter of stones where she had bathed hours before. He set her back on her feet, but she shivered and leaned against him.

     "You'll need your clothes dry to stay warm enough until morning. And we need to be careful you don't get as wet and cold as I did last night. Maybe just your feet?"

     She nodded and raised her tunic to unfasten her leggings, but she couldn't seem to concentrate.

     "Here, hold on to my shoulders." He dropped to one knee before her. Watching to be sure she was steady enough, he pulled the boots off her feet. Then he reached for her waistband and loosened the cord binding the front seam. "You know, as many times as I thought of taking your pants off, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

     She tried to smile at his joke, but standing upright was taking all her focus. Maybe I can just sleep for a few minutes.

     "You good? Hold on to me." He yanked her pants down to her ankles, then helped her step out of them. She leaned heavily against his shoulder and wondered why he was taking off his pants. He's so odd sometimes.

     Then he lifted her again against his chest. "I'm going to sit here with you. Try to stay awake. You'll feel better soon."

     She gasped as her feet sank into the icy water, then her ankles. "Jon! It's too cold!" Tears spilled from her eyes again.

     "I know, bae. It'll just be for a few minutes, then you'll feel better. Try not to splash so much."

     His voice sounded strained, and she tried to focus on him instead of the biting pain in her legs. When he sat down on a large slab, keeping her firmly in his lap, she realized his calves were in the water, too, straddling hers.

     "Oh, Jon. You're getting wet again." He was holding her tightly, her back against his chest. "I'm so-- "

     "We made a deal," he interrupted over her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "Just lean back against me, angel. I've got you."

     "Yes, you've got me. Poor you." She let her arms rest atop his, stretched across her waist. She couldn't remember ever feeling so feeble and useless in her life, and she had no strength to fight it anymore. She closed her eyes while she cried and let him support her.

     "Lucky, lucky me," he whispered in her ear. "We'll get through this. You know how they say every relationship has its ups and downs? Well, we're having all of our downs at the beginning. Just think how great all those ups are going to be later."

     She couldn't concentrate enough to answer him. But, as he continued to talk softly into her ear, his words eased her heart, and she was able to stop crying. Gradually, her delirium lessened, and she realized he had fallen back into his habit of answering himself. A smile tugged her lips as she listened.

     "Maybe we need to veer away from the stream. There's no guarantee it will lead to people. And chances are slim to none it'll lead to Nik Silvan."

     "No, it'll be better to stay with the water. Things will only get worse if we get dehydrated. And I can't see any other benchmarks to gauge our direction, especially walking at night. To hell with Silvan; he'll have to wait. The important thing is getting her some help."

     "She's all you can think about now. As if you'll have any sort of future she'll want to share."

     "I'll deal with that later. There's got to be a way."

     "Jon?" she interrupted. "I'm feeling better now."

     He squeezed her in a quick hug, his relief palpable. "I guess we should get back on course, then. Can you stand up for a minute?"

     She nodded and leaned forward to touch the sandy bed with her toes. She hissed as the cold water moved farther up her calves. He kept his hands at her waist until he was satisfied she could stand on her own. Then he straightened his back with a muted groan. She had no idea how long they’d sat there. But sitting on a cold slab with his feet in frigid water, bearing her limp body, could not have been easy on him. Somehow, someday, I will find a way to thank him for all the thoughtful, quiet ways he's helped me get through these past three days. A wave of love for him suffused her, surprising her with its intensity. Yes, there has to be a way for us to have a future together.

     "Ready?" He stood beside her and reached to carry her again.

     She put her hands on his arms. "I think I can step up to the bank. But I'll need help getting dressed."

     He nodded, but took her elbow. She smiled at his gesture and said, "Thank you. For everything."

     "Well, maybe not everything," he said, drily, as they climbed the shallow incline.

     "For being you."

     "I'm usually fairly good at that, at least."

 

                                                                  *****

 

     Her fever and headache returned with a vengeance, draining her energy and ability to think. Jon had carried her on his back throughout the night, keeping one hand around her wrist while he used the other to push through the dense underbrush and hanging vines. He'd tied his jacket around his waist, and she kept herself secure by tucking her feet into it when she could no longer hold her legs around him.

     As the sun came up, her head lay heavily on his shoulder. She barely noticed when he stopped and gripped her wrist tighter. "Get down, angel," he whispered against her cheek a moment before he moved her legs from around his waist.

     She set her bandaged feet on the ground and leaned into his back as the pain shot through her right foot. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to his side.

     Then she saw the others.